Body negativity wash incoming

     For me, one of the most scary things of going through therapy in the first place was the thought of gaining weight. Some would (and did) say that it wasn't a necessary consequence of the recovery process, but I was fully aware that my current weight at the time was only sustainable on extreme restriction, constant hunger and five to six very painful sessions of exercise (of 1-1.5 hours) a week. Therefore, it seemed only logic for me to regain weight while eating more and more frequently and seeing my workouts restricted.

Don't get me wrong - I felt definitely relieved, specially when my hunger started to plateau into more natural-ish patterns. It's hard to be constantly restricting. I've also been feeling stronger, and I'm not just talking about the gym, but daily stuff like carrying a bag full of groceries, getting up the stairs or simply waking up. My very constant headaches have also experienced an overall improvement both regarding frequency and intensity and I don't get muscular pain so often anymore either. You shall think then progress ain't just mental, but also physical, and you would not be wrong.

Except... for body image. Yes folks, that's the most difficult thing for me to handle, always been, always will be.

My body has been many sizes and shapes ever since high school, but I had never felt more down than summer of 2018. At that point I couldn't even have pictures taking or see my reflection on a mirror, I hated going to the beach or pool and I was definitely afraid of sex, but at least my partner's physique was worse than mine and it served me as a very poor consolation.

It got much better when I lost the weight and I've had ups and downs but been stable for a long while. I even got bigger due to some muscle gain while living alone with my brother and I was surprisingly at leace with it - I ate whatever and whenever (within healthy perceived limits) in order to fuel my body as I trained hard and consistently 3-5 times a week, with long runs intertwined. Then I lost a bunch of kilograms due to a bump on the road and stopped weight training because I was barely able to hold my own body together - and I've sadly never felt physically more attractive. I was GLOWING, not a single roll over my very slim fitted clothes (no chest tho, but that's easily emulated so nvm), ribs showing, collar bones on point and even a timid thigh gap.

That all went to shit during this 'recovery', of course. I miss my sad, skinny body, even though I'm aware it's not a healthy feeling. Rolls and cellulite are back and this is the ugliest I've felt in three years, as I hadn't regained this much weight before. I'm so scared of trying clothes on or weighting in. I'm so scared of food all the time. 

But well... I guess I live for the good days.