Just like the others...

     Oddly enough, words are just not enough this time. Something is hurting inside and I can't even reach out and grasp it because it burns so badly I'm scared I'm gonna turn into ashes. I'm scared. I thought I knwe jealousy but this extremes are unbearable - I don't seem to be able to deal with any of this in a more ore less rational way. My head hurts, I've got heartburn. I think my response was sort of appropriate once I got myself under control, but now... now I'm incredibly sad and I can't get it out, it's stuck!

Start by easy statements, my therapist said. Well then.

I guess I'm sad I disappointed him. I'm just like the others, I judged and distrusted and there's no turning back from that. I've hurt him and I won't forget nor forgive myself for it.

I guess I also hate the fact that I'm seeing it coming. She is seeking harm and I debate between letting things just happen - as he must learn his own lessons in life - or stepping in and protecting him.

I don't really know why I'm jealous tho. Is there any explanation for that sorta feelings? She's not pretty nor intelligent and she could just do without any of these atributes, but she happens to also be deceitful and twisted. He's clearly stated that she humilliated him. I'm furious about that. I try to compose myself but I know he can tell. He ain't no fool. Why is it that I find so hard to believe the fact that he miraculously loves me?

I... I just...

I guess I'm crying a lot these days. Grass wasn't definitely greener on the other side, I'll admit, but we'll keep watering it no matter what. We'll get through.

I'm so sorry I put you through this. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.