Twenty days away.

    Merely twenty days away from what would have been my five year anniversary, I feel numb. So numb I can hardly speak or write about what happened and what didn't.

I can sort of joke about it with a certain degree of spontaneity, like I do when I refer to my pothos, but I can not get serious. Humor is just a mask for pain. I find myself unable to open my mouth and untangle my tonge from my teeth; or even to put pen to paper and dekernell my sadness over that big loss. I don't seem to be able to get over the fact that I failed despite how hard I tried, I can't forgive myself for how I handled things and most importantly, I don't aknowledge not forgive this longing.

And because I can't really admit how I feel..., I pretend to be over it all. I pretend my feelings on the matter are missing in action, wiped out, erased, deleted and faded away.

Not that I regret ANY of it. I knew we weren't working out anymore and I acted consequently to what I was feeling; I'm happier now than I've been in a really long, long time. I just wish I had done things differently so I'd avoid guilt. I wish I could be natural around him and ask if he's forgiven me, if he's doing alright. The simple truth is that my heart still aches with memories of that one last day and the many goodbyes we said to each other.