Hybris.

I am... relapsing. Falling back into the same patterns. Lying once again, trapped in the same vortex of obsessive thoughts, somewhere dark, some place dyed in anxiety colors. Yellow. Orange. Black. Too bright to look at, blinding me from seeing the truth, the logic, the Health.

Some place where there are only flaws. You are disgusting. You are weak. You don't deserve joy. You could do so much better. You are wasting your time, your energy, your potential. You must be punished. You didn't earn basic survival, so just... don't eat, don't sleep, don't rest.

This place is so cold, my bones hurt, even though they are not sticking out as much as they used to. I'm cold, alone and I'm not trust worty. I've deceived and dissapointed everyone I cared about, in their words. Liar. Bad sister, bad daughter. Lacking empathy and consideration, because I'm barely human. Who are you to make people you love worry? Why are you so dumb? You should be beyond this.

Life is heavy and I'm wearing off. Fading. Wildy told me once you only fall down to come back stronger, but just like Sisyphus and the boulder, I'm too tired to keep on pushing forward. I can't see the top of this steep mountain anymore, if I ever did. But there I go again, hubristic if anything, willing to defeat destiny itself... Stubborn? Stupid? Proud?